DYING III
Grieving
Introduction
Just as it is natural to touch on the issue of dying when we discuss ageing, it makes sense to talk about grief in the context of dying, because it is part of the process, the emotion felt both by the person leaving as well as the loved ones left behind. Anyone who works in this field knows that accompanying a dying person extends to their partners and their families. In the previous chapter I expressed how important it is to be trained to do this because of the intense emotions that arise. Being familiar with grief and grieving is
an essential part of the training. In this chapter I will explore ways to approach grief and to be with those who are grieving, because it can sometimes be so overwhelming that there seems no way through.
The practices I offer come from my background as a lay Buddhist meditation teacher and my years practicing and teaching Tai Chi and Chi Kung. As I have said in the previous chapters and in the series on Ageing, I have modified the traditional practices, and added others so that non-Buddhists and those with no background in Tai Chi or Chi Kung can benefit from them. And I stress that there are no recipes or formulas for dealing with grief. These practices are not about having a strategy to bypass the pain, or a way to help us move on from it. Grief never quite leaves you. It is like a shadow on your heart that stays with you. But from my experience of living through my own periods of grieving, and accompanying others through theirs, I have learnt that, instead of being numbing and debilitating, grief can be deeply transformative and, strangely, even life enhancing. It is how we learn to integrate it, how we embrace the shadow, that makes the difference.
The first time that I consciously grieved was when I was about three and the puppy that had been gifted to me, a beautiful furry chow dog that should never have been living in the tropical heat, died. I was devasted. Many children have had the same experience with their pets, I am sure. Since then, like everyone, I have lost loved ones, family, friends and I have cried and felt the pain. In my work over the years, I have been in constant exposure to many people’s grief, and it has led me to an obvious conclusion; namely, that grief is the one aspect of our being that we all have in common, regardless of culture, race, education, economic status. As such it is both the leveller and the unifier. If we could only recognise this common universal condition it would change the way that we treated each other. But we somehow manage to ignore it and focus on our differences. Of course, we also share our mortality, but, for obvious reasons it is not easy to talk about our experience of it. A Zen master, so the story goes, when pressed by an eager follower to explain what death is, and what happens afterwards, replied simply: I don’t know because I am not dead. An honest, sane answer!
But with grief we do all know what it is because we have all experienced it. It is something that is with us from the moment we are born, when we are cut loose from the enveloping warmth and security of our temporary home and projected into an unknown space. The medical, scientific explanation for why babies cry at birth is because they do so to get rid of the amniotic fluid and mucus in their lungs that enables the transition from foetal circulation to pulmonary breathing to take place. But there is also the existential shock and anxiety of being separated and thrust into an alien environment that sets the tone for what is to come. The famous Austrian psychoanalyst Otto Rank (1884-1939) called this the birth trauma. The birth of our grief.
The stages of grief
When we talk about grief in the context of dying it usually comprises various stages that overlap with each other, unless the death was sudden and unexpected. (More on this later).
Grieving before death
For the person going through their process of dying, there is the natural sadness of departing from their loved ones. Painful as it is, it can often be an opening of the heart that provides the motivation to express love and forgiveness when it was so difficult before. I have witnessed this often enough to note how with it comes a sense of release from the habitual patterns of culpability and conflict, and how grieving can be the first step to lightness and peace at the end. Sometimes this sadness is mixed with fear and concern as to what will happen to the partner or loved ones left behind. If this happens, it can be transformed with the help of those by their side, who can offer their loving support and reassurance that they will be all right. This is why the role of the person(s) accompanying the dying is so important.
